Dual....:-)
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
