dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We need to get me chipped asap
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
