I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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