...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
