I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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