So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
