I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
