apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
