If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Randomize
