Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
