if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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