News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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