cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
