It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
