my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
