he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
