I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
