Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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