no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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