just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Couch. On fire.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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