She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
