2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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