her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
