She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
