She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
