I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
