My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
