Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
