Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
