You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
