I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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