Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
