i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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