Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
