ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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