i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
