So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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