there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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