when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
