Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
