got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
