HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
