Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
someone owes me an orgasm
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
