I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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