4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
