I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize