I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
