I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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