you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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