I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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