My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
