i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
