I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
