We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
