I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
