Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
