Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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