I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
