and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
