end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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