I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he puts the penis in happiness.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize