yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
