If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
