A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I AM VODKA MAN
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
