Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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