If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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