Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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