am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
