someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
